Friday, September 25, 2009
Tears In The Dark
I felt as if I didn't have enough time to prepare myself for a final farewell. Unexpectingly I realized my last time seeing them would be in about an hour. Knowing that the time was sneaking up on me, I started to panic. The rate of my heartbeat increased all of a sudden. Then the warm tears streamed down my face. I want the tears to stop falling due to the fact that I was driving and the watery eyes was blurring my vision to drive safely, but they wouldn't stop. When I finally made it home, I knew what I had to do and I knew I had to do it quickly, but I couldn't do that until I fed them their last meal in their home. They ate their food and frequently glanced up at me, not knowing it was gonna be their last meal. Once I realize they have consumed enough food to make them content, I placed them one by one in my car. I knew the drive going there would be a long one. My heart kept telling me to turn around. Don't do this to them. However, my brain was telling me that I had no choice. No choice but to allow them to enter into the valley of the unknown. They hide in my car as if they know something is wrong. Maybe it was the empty boxes loaded in my backseat that placed this idea in their mind. Maybe it was the tears that streamed down my face uncontrollably. Or maybe it was the silence in the car that evaporated fear in the atmosphere. I arrive at the final destination. I want to procrastinate to buy more time to spend with them, but I know the longer I put it off, the harder it would be for me. So I grabbed him first and held him tightly because he was trying so hard to get away. He didn't want to go into the valley of unknown. The closer I got to the building, the more he dugged into me trying to escape. When I get inside, I see two individuals waiting to take him away from me, man and woman. The look in their eyes screamed out to me "HEARTLESS." Heartless they were indeed. He's locked away now, staring at me through the bars. He looked at me as if he hated me. The look in his eyes basically told me, " Why? How could you do this to me? After 7 years of being with you? You have been the only mother I knew since I came straight out the womb, so how can you abandon me like this? What did I do?" I couldn't stand another second to stand there and allow his eyes to have this conversation with me. I left, I had to go get his sister, who was hiding in my car. I hold on to her tightly as I prepare to walk into this building for the last time. Unlike her, she did not put up a struggle. I sat there in the chair, while the guy felt out paper work, and I just hold her close to my heart while I gently stroke her head. You can tell she was kind of frightned because she tried to hide her face underneath my arms. I continued to stroke her head and I whispered to her that everything was going to be okay. Why did I give her false assurance? When the time arrived, she gently and freely left my arms, as if everything really was going to be okay. Her eyes told me "Although I was scared at first, I now know that everything is going to be fine. I will probably just be in this place for a little while and then I will go back home with you, to a place where I can peacefully rest my eyes. I know you won't leave me here for long because you are my protector, you always have been and always will be." My eyes respond back to her, "No sweetheart, I have to leave you here. It breaks my heart to have to do this, but I have to. You have been with me for 7 years and now I have to give you up. You will be gone, but never forgotten." A new guy (who appeared to have more of a heart than the other two) distracted me by asking me for my signature on the paperwork that was filled out. As I sign my name, the tears sneak up on me again. Drop, after drop, after drop, hitting the papers as I sign them over forever. "I'm sorry." The guy whispered to me. I talked to him briefly asking him what was going to happen to them next. After not hearing such good news, I walked out crying and never looked back...........................................Two days later, I feel like a part of me left with them. I don't feel the same anymore and I feel sad when I come home to a place where they no longer exist. Sometimes when I lay down, I hear noises and automatically think it's one of them, but I become disappointed when I realize the noise is coming from outside. So I just lay there in the dark, head on my pillow, a pillow that is soaked with tears. Wishing I could bring them back home, but sadly this home that was once theres will be non-existent in a couple of days, but they will exist in my heart forever. I love and miss them so much.